video game

Besides the fact that they’re loads of fun it’s what my initial concept evolved into over the years. 

It all started during my first semester in graduate school (fall 2019, I think). I have folders of notes and journal entries surrounding the entire conceptual and physical process, but they’re packed up in a storage unit eight hours away. So we’ll have to rely on my memory. 

During my final year of undergrad I discovered the last house I ever lived in with my father had been purchased and turned into a bonsai nursery. One that offers classes. 

I was tempted to sign up for one of their classes, revisit my childhood home and confront one of the places of my abuse. Maybe take back a bit of power that the property has over me. I don't know if it'd work, but it’s a whole thing in certain therapies. In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Especially since the current bonsai owners had purchased the property from my father. 

Sure, the odds of them recognizing my last name wasn’t likely but my anxiety couldn’t take the chance. Nor could I risk another emotional blow like I had experienced with my childhood church.

(In 2018 I reached out to my childhood church and a handful of their members to inform them that one of their current youth counselors, my father, was a pedophile. They responded by having their “lawyer” e-mail me a cease and desist, which you can read a snippet of here.  Their response absolutely gutted me and solidified my belief that churches are incapable of decency.) 

Back to the bonsai nursery. I attempted to assure myself that the owners wouldn’t figure out who I was but then my anxiety went off on how I might have a wee breakdown and wind up blabbing about the abuse that went on in the house, their house, years ago. Nobody wants to hear that kids were raped in the same room they’re canoodling and sleeping in. 

So yeah, I scrapped the thought of attending a bonsai class and began journaling away figuring out my next step. With a few mental jumps and skips I realized that if I couldn’t bring myself to the house then I’d bring the house to me. Not just the one house either, all five houses and their subsequent properties my family had owned. Revisit these spaces and my memories in a controlled, safe, environment (my studio).  

Granted I only managed to make two houses. But that's pretty damn impressive considering I started with no idea on how to build them and had two maybe three months to create everything you see on that page (along with the mini takeaway books I made, not pictured). Massive shutout to Black Magic Craft on YouTube for his tutorials.

I then began thinking about what child/teenage me would want to get from this work. Which I did with every piece I made. That was the focus of my practice, making work for younger me. A few sculptural houses, while interesting, wasn’t going to impress twelve year old me. So, what would I have wanted?

First and foremost I had wanted someone to come and save me and my sisters. Since it didn’t happen back then, why not make it happen now? After some thought I realized, why not create the houses in a way that they could be used in a tabletop roleplaying campaign? And while I’m at it I might as well create a mini-campaign re-envisioning my childhood homes in a fantasy world.

Unfortunately learning how to create tabletop structures was complicated enough, I didn’t have the time or energy to fully teach myself how to play, let alone create, a tabletop roleplaying campaign. Not to mention, there was a wee bit of hesitation from my professors when I talked about that aspect of the piece. It’s not “fine” art. So, in the end I dropped the game aspect and let the houses and maps "speak for themselves." 

Rave reviews at my fall final. 

Since then my houses and maps have sat in my storage unit. Thoughts for their use briefly entering my mind before fading  away. Until last year when I began tinkering with Godot and made the realization that twelve year old me wouldn’t have wanted to play a tabletop roleplaying game. That requires friends or worse, strangers. Neither of which have really been my jam over the years . Movies, books, video games. Solitary story telling has been my savior. 

Now here we are. No studio space. The privilege to have the time to learn Godot and create the game twelve year old would have loved to stumble on. 

As it stands, the game will be told from the youngest daughters perspective (my perspective, surprise!) rather than a stranger swooping in to save the day. Because in the end, I took the steps to save myself. Cheesy sentiment, yeah. And did I have loads of support, abso-fucking-lutely. But all the help and support in the world doesn’t matter if you never take the first step. 

While I would like the player to be able to play as one of three characters (based off of me and my sisters) this is the first game I’ve ever made, so I’m not going to bite off more than I can chew. For now, you’ll play as a tank and as you find your sisters (a mage and a rouge) they might join your party? I’m not sure, I have tons of planning still to do, but I’m excited for the challenge and look forward to seeing this piece evolve.